No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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