I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
