No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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