My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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