Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
