Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
