Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
So squirting runs in the family.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
