dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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