First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
