maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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