Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
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