I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
In America we eat man semen.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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