i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
