New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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