someone threw a dead crab at me
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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