We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
