I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
