ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
