Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
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