so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
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