If i come over, it means nothing
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Randomize
