My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
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