Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
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