A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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