i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
