You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I need to calm my uterus...
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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