Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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