Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I touched a dick in church today
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
