and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Two words: nipple clamps
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