I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
