I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
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