I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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