I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
