Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
