Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
