I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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