Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
The air was thick with penises
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Randomize
