Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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