i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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