yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Who died my cat blue again?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize