Oh man dude like 1000 to 1500 milligrams. Its gonna burn like bad though.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
