my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
