I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
