But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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