Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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