i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
