Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
