It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I pour the whiskey from now on
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
