chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
