How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize