ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
