He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
