dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Randomize
