I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
