I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Randomize
