Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
