well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Can Purell be used as lube?
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
