not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
