My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
