There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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