the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
