Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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