Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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