Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
